TRIGGER WARNING: SA
Trauma is a funny thing. you can be hurt so deeply and completely and with a little masking, some razzle dazzle, and a dash of dissociation you can fake your way through anything.
Almost 9 years ago I was raped. saying no, begging, being polite none of that saved me. I should have fought like hell but I froze. I froze and shut down.
For 6 months after it happened, I lived across the street from him.
I had gone over 5 years living in the same town without seeing the "man" who raped me.
Then I started working at a new job. the first week I was there he came in to shop with his wife. I thought I had tucked away all the pain, fear, hurt, shame, guilt...but I saw him and I panicked. I started sobbing. I went to my boss and let him know that I needed a break and I would explain when I got back, and then I ran outside. Immediately I called Kevin. Thankfully he was able to help me regulate my breathing and focus so that I was able to go back to work.
This happened at least twice a month, and then I switched departments. I hadn't seen him since I switched, and then one night he and his family were standing right in front of me, I walked away without saying anything and told a co-worker they would need to help them. I then went and hid in another department until they were gone.
Something people don't get the luxury of is just leaving work to have a panic attack, to deal with mental health, hell to even have a sick day. The guilt is always there and we have to push through so much of our own trauma and pain just to try and make a better life. That's the goal, always better than the last generation.
